Human beings communicate in all kinds of ways. Verbal communication is our favourite, making vibration with our mouths usually does the trick. If that doesn’t work the next logical step is interpretive dance. A Londoner’s native dance is a kind of sighing shuffle usually done on the precipice of a platform, moving as far forward as possible before the prospect of getting crushed to death becomes a real possibility.
I’m talking about The Tube. No, not the cult Jools Holland-fronted music show from the 80s. No, of course not! LDN UNRGRD!
Here are some rules:
Don’t Breathe on Me
Yeah, don’t do that. Rush hour can be hell, packed into metal cylinders like sardines, all of us stewing in our own juices. Keep those juices to yourself, though, don’t get any on me. This might seem irritatingly difficult considering the game of twister you seem to be playing even when you just want to get from King’s Cross to Angel but I am deadly serious. Wrap your face in Clingfilm, asphyxiate yourself if you must; just do not germ me up in any way. Doing your best to maintain hygiene standards on the tube is a bit like putting a plaster on a man with no skin but it’s the thought that counts.
Three strikes and your out for this one. I will allow three small giggles if you are i.) A tourist or ii.) An infant. Other than that don’t even think about it. I know it can be hard, especially if you are the sort of person who smirks whilst ordering a Sex On The Beach, but if you are a grown human and the name of a place you have known exists for years is the height of all comedy, then I’m sorry, just take the bus.
The Waterloo & City Line is a Myth
Ever wanted to go from Waterloo to Bank but categorically not on evenings or weekends and then absolutely nowhere else ever? Well great because there’s a service that does exactly that. This line feels like some city boys clubbed together to make their morning and afternoon commutes easier, a line with a specific purpose. A bespoke line. It isn’t for the common plebs, really is it? A teal sphinx ridden only by those in the know. And you’re not.
Look out for that Massive Hole
‘Mind The Gap Please’ isn’t just repeated on that automated loop throughout the day for a bit of fun, it’s a serious business avoiding gaps. Its good to keep your wits about you on the tube or you may find yourself involuntarily amputated. Stay behind the yellow line just like you’re told to because you are kids on a school trip and the Underground service assistants are your exasperated teachers.
Take a walk
London Underground was the first of its kind and since then it’s been emblematic of technological advancement in the UK. Not that being pinged about economically map markers and monuments isn’t great it’s just sometimes its not always the best way to get about. Try walking if it’s from Covent Garden to Leicester Square or Sloane Square to Knightsbridge, your life expectancy will thank you.